But what if I get sick? What if I have a reaction to the vaccine? What if COVID never ends?
What if the world ends? Well it might…or it might not. Any event or circumstance has the potential of an infinite number of possible outcomes. So why focus solely to the worst, most negative result?And this is the problem with negative what-ifs. We are jumping into future time to put a negative outcome on an event that has not happened.
To be clear, I’m not talking about using the analytic mind to rationally prepare for a rainy day. The mind can be very useful for planning vacations, picnics, retirement, you name it. I’m talking about cycling in future scenarios, sometimes repetitively.
Where do negative what-ifs come from? One emotion: fear. We feel scared and anxious and so we attach the fear to a future circumstance in an effort to control the outcome. Perhaps if we worry enough, plan enough, turn it over in our minds enough, then maybe, somehow, we can avoid it happening.
The trouble is, that’s not a strategy that works. In fact, it can be counterproductive. We don’t create our future by jumping ahead into it and fretting. We create our future by how we feel and the actions we take in the present. And that’s before we get to all the things that are out of our control anyway….which when it comes down to it, is quite a lot.
The more we can be out of fear, the clearer and more certain we become. Think of two soldiers on the battle field: one of terrified and quaking in his boots, the other is confident and certain in himself. Who’s going to fare better?
Perhaps that gives you more of an idea of how fear can destroy the present and the future.
“Okay,” I hear you say, “That’s all well and good, but how do we get out of fear?” The million dollar question.
The first step here is identifying when you go to a negative what-if. In psychology we call this catastrophizing. Shut it down. No, obsessing about it doesn’t prepare you for the worst case scenario - if that happens you’ll deal with it. It simply whips your anxiety up into a frenzy, until you feel terrible enough to have to…call a friend in utter distress, have a drink, eat a pint of ice-cream or overindulge in whatever your poison might be.
Start to say ‘no’ to these thoughts. They are a distortion.
The second step is to bring yourself back into present time. What is present time? Whatever is happening right now. The sunlight shining through the trees, a raucous crow calling outside the window, the warmth of the couch against your back as you read this post. When we identify the present moment through a mindful approach of noticing we can get out of our heads and into our life. What do you notice through your five senses - what do you smell right now, see or hear right now?
This is really all about focus. How? Think about it: whatever you put your focus on in life, is what will expand. You practice speaking Spanish every day - pretty soon your Spanish will be more fluent, you go to the gym every day - you’ll be stronger each week that goes by, you focus on your anxiety frequently, the anxiety will grow. So by putting focus into the moment, the moment can grow. And that’s a pretty valuable tool for enjoying life more.
We have a choice in what we do with our mind. That doesn’t mean that your fear isn’t valid, or doesn’t come from an historical place of trauma - something to absolutely be explored in therapy. It means that you the option to begin regaining control of your mind. And that’s a pretty empowering place to be…