From the crest of the hill, a wide, cerulean expanse curves around the bay, serene as it merges with the horizon. The perfect vista, a seemingly incomprehensible paradox to the city it contains. This is a well-earned reward for Angelenos patient enough to navigate the winding roads of Malibu to reach this little known hike. Up here, the stillness that exists quite separate from the constant murmuration of the city reminds me of the state we can rest in when we do not attach to our thoughts - a state I’d like to be in all the time, but as a human being find elusive.
Many people come to therapy for the first time not understanding that we don’t have to believe our thoughts. And, in all fairness, how can we comprehend that until we learn it? How many of us were raised in homes that imparted such knowledge?
But in the recognition that thoughts are really nothing more than a string of words entering the mind, comes the implicit fact that we therefore have a choice to believe them or not. Do we want to punish and berate ourselves, or affirm and nurture ourselves? It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? But if we look at how often we get caught in this trap, maybe it’s not so easy after all.
Now, I’m not for a moment suggesting that very real life struggles don’t exist. Our circumstances can be overwhelming and extremely challenging. But at times, our stuckness, our difficulty changing our mindset undeniably comes from our attachment to old stories and self-defeating negativities. And what we think effects how we feel, and how we feel impacts how we behave.
So often, we fuse with our thoughts and remain so attached to them, that it quickly becomes our reality. Or, historical patterns, old ghosts that have no place in the present, elicit a cracked record of negative self-belief. These ideas are the building blocks of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and frequently used in EMDR therapy, where we explore underlying negative beliefs and seek to shift the neurobiology that holds them in place. Both of these can be helpful accompaniments to insight-oriented therapy.
Some beginner ideas to work with at home:
Start a basic mindfulness practice to cultivate the observing mind - the mind that can witness non-judgmentally thoughts, memories and feelings that come and go.
If you find yourself ruminating or in a repetitive thought loop, examine the content of your thinking as soon as you are able. Challenge your mind by asking the question, “Is this thought helpful or not?” If it isn’t, you can work on replacing the thought with something kinder.
Consider how much energy you put towards unproductive thinking. With limited time and energy, we want as much as possible to go in a direction that serves us.
Oh, and that hike? It feels pretty good when I can get there…and when I can’t, I try and work with what’s right in front of me.